Is Intellectual Potential Important in Attraction?

A friend of mine (let’s call her Jenna) recently told me about someone they had been spending a decent amount of time with recently. A basic level of attraction had developed, but then Jenna all of a sudden lost interest in this person (let’s call him Robert). The reason for this was that Jenna realized that Robert didn’t really have any life goals, wasn’t really working towards improving his situation, and at the root of it, just seemed to not care about his future. Robert is still in University, but he’s been only taking a few courses at a time rather than the usual 4 or 5 courses that is considered a full course load. Jenna felt bad that she was no longer interested him Robert - she thought it was shallow that his intellectual potential was the reason she barely wanted to hang out with him anymore, much less wanting to move forward with a relationship. She asked my opinion on the subject.

I’ve always been of the opinion that if there is one thing you should be shallow, and completely selfish about, it’s finding someone to date. The reason I think this way is that if you find something about another person that bothers you and makes you unattracted to someone before you even begin dating, then it will only bother you more once you start seeing the person on a regular basis. Obviously, I’m talking about a person’s fundamental building blocks, and not some small habits. If the problem you have is that they don’t take their shoes off when they come in the door, then tell them it bothers you and talk about how to fix it. If the problem is that someone has few ambitions, or doesn’t seem to have any (or enough) intellectual potential, that isn’t something you are going to be able to change in a timely manner, if at all. Compromising on something like that is opening the door to compromising on a whole host of other things, and before you know it, you are the embodiment of ‘settling’.

Now I’ve been using the term ‘intellectual potential’ a decent amount so far. Let me explain what I mean by that. I’d like to consider myself a decently educated person, with more than a few lofty goals in life. Some of my goals are career oriented, and some aren’t. There is a certain level of ‘intelligence’ for a lack of better word that I expect of any significant other I am looking for. I need to be able to hold a conversation with this person on just about any subject and feel like they are able to have their own opinions. I also need to know that their goals (career or otherwise) aren’t stagnant. If I found someone who was content working at a MacDonald’s for their career, I’d be happy for them that they found what they wanted to do, but I don’t think I could start dating that person. This doesn’t mean that if they were using MacDonald’s as a stepping stone to get where they wanted to be that I would turn them down. I don’t expect someone to have achieved everything they had set out to do just yet - that’s unreasonable. Maybe that perspective is shallow, or rude, or maybe it’s even elitist. Even if all of those are true, I’m still going to be picky on that topic because the reason I would begin seeing someone is to improve my life and my happiness. If this person doesn’t meet my standard, then that means I am compromising my happiness to be in a relationship, and that’s not something I’m prepared to do. I would like to believe that there is someone out there that is not only beautiful and confident, but also has the intellectual potential to question and challenge my opinions. Furthermore, I believe that if I am going to date, that I deserve to date someone like that, and that I should take the time to find someone like that.

So to respond to Jenna’s situation, I would say that it is indeed shallow to think like that. But I would qualify that by saying that I would be disappointed if she wasn’t shallow about it. Jenna is a smart girl, and I’d hope she doesn’t settle on any of the criteria she has for finding the right someone. Relationships, and dating in general, aren’t easy. I think everyone knows that. Compromising on the key things you look for in a significant other might make a relationship happen faster, but it won’t make it easier.

Finally, to answer the question posed in the title of this post, yes intellectual attraction is a very important part of being attracted to someone. And so is just about every other shallow requirement you might place on a potential partner.